Living With An Aquarius Moon

When I’m going through a difficult time, I often use astrology to help me understand my feelings and figure out what to do. Living with an Aquarius moon can be a challenge. Aquarius is an air sign, a think-y sign, and the moon is the planet of feelings and intuition. The two symbols don’t work easily together.

This is a passage from my journal that illustrates what that can be like:

The moon is in Taurus as I write this. In twenty minutes, it will be void of course, a time when you’re supposed to put away work and rest. I’ve learned over the years that honoring that advice is prudent, but I don’t know if I will today.

Until now, this day has been an utter disaster. I have been a moody wreck, unable to find the energy for anything more productive than copying old content onto a new platform. Of all the times to tackle a task like that, a Taurus moon isn’t a bad one. Taurus is an earth sign that likes to concern itself with practical matters. The practical need to get my writing off of a site that’s going through a revolution and under the care of a more secure host is something Taurus would deeply appreciate. Prudence aside, one of the potential dangers of a Taurus time is boring yourself to death, and I have been making an excellent showing for the dark side of the cud-chewing bovine. It’s not like me.

In moments when I haven’t been able bring myself to hit cmd-c one more time, I’ve been picking at at an idea for a workbook about the moon. This—writing new stuff—was what I was supposed to do today, and I know I’ll feel terrible if I don’t make some progress on it before the day is over.

“The moon” was a topic suggested by a reader on Tumblr, and it seemed like a safe place to start. The moon is accessible to people who don’t have an astrology background in a way most of the ideas I’ve been coming up with lately are not. I’ve worked with lunar transits a lot, and I think I have something to say.

Today, though, thinking about the moon makes me feel bitter. Do I really understand the moon? It doesn’t feel like it.

Now, at the eleventh hour—I really should put this down and take a nap or something—I’m starting to understand what I’ve been doing wrong. What am I always telling people about Taurus? Taurus at its best cares about the things that are most important.

When I was planning out my day, I interpreted “most important” as “doing the most important work.” It was a practical—and very Taurus-like—way of approaching things, but it left out the moon entirely. The moon doesn’t care about paying the bills. It doesn’t care about what is most important. It cares about what feels most important, and today my feelings are a million miles away with him. The thought that I will never see him on this planet again feels like it has the power to crack my ribs open. My work as a spirit worker began and is driven by the desperate need to see him again. I seem to be able to help everyone else, but, so far, I’ve failed to do the thing that’s most important to me.

Saying that my feelings are “a million miles away” is doubly apt. My heart is with him, but I’ve also been avoiding dealing with my heart as much as possible. His voice reminds me of Jackson Maine from A Star is Born. I’ve had the soundtrack open on my computer for days, and I haven’t been able to bring myself to play it. Maybe if I listen, I’ll find the key to connecting with him in the spirit world, but the thought of facing all of that raw grief and failing to find him, yet again, has made me a coward.

The moon is in Taurus, but my moon is in Aquarius. The moon in Aquarius loves nothing more than dissociating from feelings that are inconvenient, and Taurus has been more than happy to accommodate that vice by finding practical, emotionally-empty things for me to do.

Realizing this is like releasing a wave that’s been held back since the moon went into Taurus yesterday morning. I’m playing that soundtrack now, and I think I might actually be able to get something important done. Maybe I just have. I’m not ready to dive into the deep end yet, but I understand why I’ve been so moody.

This post was originally published on Aquarius Moon Journal on 21 December 2019.